New Ratings System

Posted on January 22, 2007 by psu

At this web site we don’t rate things that we review. In particular, we don’t rate the video games that we review. After all, we are self-absorbed wankers with an inflated opinion of the quality of our own writing. We would like to think that we provide insightful, almost literary commentary rather than a simple consumerist analysis. We want to tell you what it’s like to play the game, and maybe a little bit about what the game means. Of course this is all just pretentious nonsense. We play the games and then we write down the first random thought that pops into our heads.

In this spirit, today I present a new ratings system for the video games that we write about. I call it the “Ebay” rating system. The principle is pretty simple. I buy a game. I rate the game according to the number of times I play the game before I give up on it and sell it on Ebay. The scale is from 1 to 5. If I make it to 5, then the game is at least worth keeping. These days, that’s about the highest praise that I can muster.

This system is inspired by my most recent scheme of avoiding Gamefly. The scheme is also simple. Find someone who will sell your games on Ebay for you for free. Then, whenever you get the urge to try a new game that you are not sure of, don’t worry. Buy the game at full price and play it for a week. If you can’t make it through five sessions without avoiding that seething hatred and general frustration, have your Ebay friend list it. Inevitably, some moron customer out on the interweb will show up and pay you apromixately five dollars less than retail to take your game away from you. Why these people don’t just walk down to the local Target and buy the game for five dollars more is a question that will never be answered by God or Man.

Anyway. The first game I used this system on was the 360 version of NCAA Football. Man, I tried to like that game. I played it every night for a week, and every single session ended with me staring at the television with a look of complete confusion and disbelief on my face. I simply could not fathom how a game could be so completely frustrating to play.

Later, I picked up the 360 Splinter Cell, which I reviewed here. Under the new system, the game would rate about a three. I got $55 for the thing.

For reasons that still elude me I bought Rainbow Six Vegas sometime after this. I think I also bought Final Fantasy XII at the same time. Rainbow Six lasted 3 nights. FFXII is a solid 5. I played it for a good month and plan to keep playing it for at least another week.

I believe I used the proceeds from the Rainbow Six sale to buy the Xbox (not 360) version of the new Splinter Cell game, which I have enjoyed. It’s at about a 4 now, but if I make it into the second set of missions I think it will reach the plateau of a 5. So there you have it. Never let it be said that we can’t occasionally distill our content into easy digestible bits. Plus, it’s cheaper than Gamefly!